Monthly Archives: February 2009

Kiddie Karma

+ = not a good idea

I’m convinced that the behaviour of my 3 year old son and my 11 month old daughter over the last few days can be attributed to kiddie karma.
And my parents are the ones getting the last laugh.

I was one of those super hyper, overly dramatic kids…who always got into something…
I was always on the go and I never stopped talking….it was non stop ‘why, what, when’ 24-7…and I never took naps…

I also made life for my mom and dad very interesting….whether it was only eating [any meal] in the summer if was outside on the front steps or collecting the little frogs around my neighbourhood with my next door neighbour and putting them all in his pool so they could have a bath…
Yes never a dull moment.

I was so hyper apparently, that one of my uncles thought I was possessed and told my mom he should bring me to a priest to be exorcised.
My mom brought me to the doctor instead.

And he prescribed Ritalin.
After one month on the drug my mom took me off.
She decided that she would deal with my ridiculous hyper activity as opposed to having to deal with a zombie-like child who barely spoke a word or moved around.

So my daughter’s extremely short temper, intense dislike for sleeping through the night (because apparently she thinks she’s missing out on something) general moodiness and clingy for Mommy’s arms should not come as a surprise…
(She is so going to be the one sneaking out of her bedroom window)
Nor should my son’s experiments…

Ah yes my little scientist.
Like the one yesterday where he wanted to see if his toothbrush would flush down the toilet….(which it did)
I found out about that experiment, when he came running into the bedroom, with that ‘guilty look’ on his face saying…’It’s OK Mommy nothing happened. I didn’t do it on purpose….it was only an accident Mommy, it’s OK You don’t have to get mad.”
(I am so grateful that my dad is a ‘jack of all trades’ and only lives 10 minutes away)
And my son summed it all up by saying…”It’s OK mommy if they can fix a Formula 1 car when they get into an accident when they are racing…you can fix a toilet….it’s not bad…don’t get mad silly.”
He has an answer for EVERYTHING.

Or this afternoon when my son took everything out of his drawers, closet, toy box and storage containers and laid everything out on the floor because he was going to have a garage sale….
Thank you Peter Walsh
That is the last time Matteo watches Oprah.

Truly it is a wonder that I don’t drink more than I do.

I have to go…things are far too quiet in the house…and that is NEVER a good thing…

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You Really Want To Become A Parent?

A friend of mine sent me this….most accurate and damn funny [because sadly it is so true].
—————-

Thinking of Having Kids?
Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the newspaper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Remain looking cheerful and put together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.

How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the backseat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend tohave more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay foreverything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, YTV, Treehouse, TVO Kids or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s’Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly.(Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Isabella & Matteo Dance Off

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My friend Stephanie sent me this….
It was my LMAO moment of the day….
Now I know what my kids will look like 
when they are hittin’ da clubs in 20 years.
So help me.

Never cheat on your nail salon….

So my husband treated me to a pre-Valentine’s Day pedicure…a mini getaway from the two kids, time to relax and reconnect….

That was the plan….not exactly how it went down…

First off they were 35 minutes late….

Then instead of having actual sink stations, the girl brought me a stainless steel salad bowl to put my feet in…[I swear, no word of a lie, it was a salad bowl…like the kind you find at Walmart]

The water was at best lukewarm and she barely had my feet soaking in there for 2 minutes before she started…

She never changed the water…even when she rinsed off my feet….

She used the same towel for the entire pedicure even though it was filthy…

She only buffed the top of my feet not the sides or the heels…..so this morning you would never have known that I had the pedicure done…they still feel like sandpaper….

She didn’t do a clear bottom coat or top coat and missed two spots completely….

There were empty Gatorade bottles in the reception area….

A dirty styrofoam coffee cup near one the stations….

The magazines they had for your reading pleasure were all 2 years old and in disgusting conditions…

Then a girl [and she was barely 24]….who was apparently running the place…was doing a manicure/pedicure at the same time as I was getting my pedicure done…

She had about as much tact and class as a drunken roadie…she was loud and totally obnoxious….

She must of said the word ‘crap’ at least a dozen times….the it was “holy shit, damn and no shit”…..

It was so unprofessional…not the relaxing atmosphere one expects…if I wanted all that chaos I would have stayed home with the kiddlets…and the irony here is that on the door into the nail salon it asks the clientelle to observe a quiet tone as not to interrupt the other clients & to maintain a relaxing atmosphere….ha! apparently that does not not apply to the staff….

Plus ‘crap’ girl went on to describe in full detail the drug situation at her high school in to the her mother and daughter clients….

I swear I felt like I was on candid camera….

Then as I was waiting for my nails to dry….another girl walks in and says to ‘crap’ girl that her next client would like a discount because she is getting multiple procedures done…’crap’ girl goes….”yeah everyone that walks in here says we told them we’d give them a deal…tell her she gets what she gets or she can leave”…

Right in front of me!!!! Who says that in front of another client? A potential repeat customer?

Anyways…the pedicure was free [i had a gift certificate]….but I will NEVER go there again…I left annoyed and totally pissed off. It ruined my night and my good vibe that I had going that day.[and I wasn’t even PMS-ing…]

Frightening thing is these girls who work there are also responsible for doing Botox treatments….if you can’t do a simple pedicure I am so not trusting you with a needle to my face….

It was just crappy customer service…

Lesson learned.

I will go back to the place I like and usually go to…

See? You cheat on your nail guy and that’s what happens…..

Nail salon karma is a bitch.

Working my ass off….literally….

I rarely talk about my current weight loss/fitness mission that I’m on…I think I’ve irrationally convinced myself that if I do all the hard work over the last 4 1/2 months will vanish into thin air…

I made a vision board this past October and one of the images was that of a back-to-pre-pregnancy-weight mommy walking down the street with two kids in hand….
So that was my goal….to be a yummy mummy…as shallow as that sounds.

Now I know my weight loss may have very little to do with that image that I so carefully secured to my board and has likely to do more with the 90 minutes a week that my trainer kills me doing lunges, squats, dead lifts and kettle bell throws….but I’d like to think that one picture was my motivational secret weapon…

I never really lost the weight after my first child and I rationalized that by saying ‘why bother if I’m just going to get knocked up again a second time’….

But after the birth of my daughter I had run out of excuses seeing that the baby factory was officially closed for business.

So I found my trainer, modified my eating and became best friends with protein powder, blueberries and almonds…

So at the 4 1/2 month mark….I’m:

Down 20 pounds…[130 lbs]
Lost almost 10% body fat 

Gone from a size 10-11 to a size 6…..

Lost 2 inches off my chest….

2 inches off my arms….

And lost 3 inches off my thighs….

Not bad for a girl who loathes working out….

And yes I still sneak in chocolate every now and then….I mean I haven’t completely lost my mind!

Did I mention that my trainer is a young man of a mere 2o years???

Yeah that helps too.

Now blogging for the Yummy Mummy Club…

So I now have a gig blogging for the Erica Ehm’s Yummy Mummy Club….as the music contributor…
(yes if that name sounds familiar..Erica Ehm…as in one of the original VJs on MuchMusic)

My blog is called the B Sides….

It’s all about the latest in new music, gossip and how music fits into my life as a mommy….

It’s only been a week and I’ve having a ridiculously good time….

Brings together two things I love doing most…listening to music and writing….

Check it out….